Tomorrow I will ride again in the CT Challenge for the second year in a row. This year I will ride 50 miles less than last but 50 miles more than before life as a survivor. The CT Challenge, for those of you who do not know, is an organization and now a center that provides services for cancer survivors and also provides funds for research working towards a cure.
It is bitter sweet this year as one of my riding partners from last year, Marlene, is once again in the fight and is unable to ride. I look forward to riding with her again soon. But this year there will be an empty spot next to me or shall I say an empty view in front of me as she always kicked my butt going up those big hills.
Life before cancer was just that. Life after cancer is more heightened, from awareness and sensations to thoughts and emotions. Everyday is one more day of life. Life as I now know it, life that defines me as a survivor.
I always was a survivor of sorts, even as a little kid. I survived divorce times 4, death of friends and family, mishaps, misfortunes, break ups and breakdowns. Now as an adult, which seems odd to say, I am a breast cancer survivor. At times I feel sad, why me, will I have to fight again. At times I amaze myself of how hard I try to be brave and continue on this journey. To feel normal, free, and alive with out worry of what will happen next or when the other shoe will drop.
Last year I rode 100 miles in the CT Challenge, did one sprint triathlon, one Olympic triathlon, and one 1/2 ironman distance triathlon. I survived all of them. Not always appreciating the significance of my commitment or my accomplishment but I did survive them.
This year I did a sprint triathlon and barely trained for it. This year I did not judge myself, assume, compare (well maybe a little), rather I tried to stay focused on my word, not to assume anything, not to take anything personally and to do my very best (All lessons learned from Don Miguel Ruiz, Four Agreements), because in the end that is what makes these accomplishments so sweet. I am not fast, I am not first, and I am not last. I am out there doing what makes me continue to feel strong, healthy and a survivor.
Tomorrow I will honor all those who survived, all those who lost their battle, all those who are fighting. I honor the doctors, nurses, researchers, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, husbands, wives, children, brothers, sisters, friends and lovers who do what they need to do to help during times of need.
I will cry, I will laugh, I will honor, and I will ride.
